On Aging…

Rebecca Taylor dress

{Rebecca Taylor dress, Fendi shoes, Lorraine Schwartz evil eye bracelet}

Maria Tettamanti

Sandy Blonde Hair

For the last year or so, I’ve developed an obsession with aging, mainly how to avoid it. I’ve dabbled in questionable facial treatments (stem cell therapy to treat my nasal labial — yes, as in labia on the face — I mean, how gross is that medical term?), CoolSculpting to freeze my belly fat, hired a personal trainer, Massi, injected the usual Dysport into my forehead — and had a scalpel taken to my face to scrape off dead skin cells like a COMPLETE PSYCHO ON A FUTILE MISSION TO BE DORIAN GREY.

Most recently, I’ve had a heated internal debate about whether I was ever born with an ass because a gander at a few of the mommies at morning drop-off  tells a story of butts so pillowy, squishy and round, visions of sleeping on them prance in my head.

So what’s the big deal, you ask? Given my lifestyle, I have many qualifiers as to why I should look like Rip Van Winkle by the end of the week.

Below is just the shortlist of reasons why I’m royally fucked:

1) The gym is my enemy. How am I going to score a Kim Kardashian ass when I’m allergic to squats?

2) I make faces constantly that involve furrowing my brow. There’s only so much abuse Dysport can take, people.

3) I subside in Florida AKA The Sunshine State. This factor alone is the Big Kahuna of them all. The sun and its collagen-killing rays blast 892 days a year and the beach is 5 minutes away. SPF, umbrellas, oversized sunnies and chic hats simply cannot save me. Trust.

4) Gravity is not my friend. You can plump, paralyze and laser your face till kingdom come, but I blame gravity for totally screwing us all over.

At this point, if some professional told me that the secret to looking 21 forever was rubbing a truffle burger on my face,  I’d do it proudly. Till then, I’m looking into getting a placenta facial.

Photos by Soula Pefkaros

 

 

 

9 Comments

  1. August 29, 2013 / 10:50 am

    This post is hilarious. You look amazing woman, so you have no need to go on the hunt for the fountain of youth.

    Xo,
    Jess

  2. Cristina
    August 29, 2013 / 11:33 am

    Honestly you are hysterical. I agree.

  3. Massi
    August 29, 2013 / 2:22 pm

    Maria- The most beautiful part of you is inside and your God given gift to share these intimate words that we could all relate to. I believe this picture was taken when you were at your training peak right before and during the Holidays. I love this picture of you. Was this Soula taking it?

  4. Sandra v
    August 29, 2013 / 5:49 pm

    You had me at Dorian gray … You look beautiful Maria!

  5. August 30, 2013 / 10:34 am

    Maria,

    You crack me up… Aging is not bad, the only bad thing is getting used to it (like how i woke up this morning and saw that my facial skin is loosing elasticity and I shrieked.

    PS. KK ass is not normal… no matter how many squats anybody does

  6. August 31, 2013 / 11:07 am

    Love this post and the pictures. You look fab! First off, I HATE squats! But, aging has been on my mind a lot as well. I’ve even convinced (but really tricked my husband) to take a family stay-cation to St. Augustine, so I can drink from the fountain. Sad right, lol. But I am learning to accept it by taking care of my skin.

    But I’m up for anything. Placenta facial, why not? I’ll try it if it helps.

  7. September 16, 2013 / 7:33 pm

    Your so silly, this blog post had me laughing the whole way through. The things us women do for vanities sake! But placenta facial, seriously? haha

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