It’s Mid-Life Crisis Time


With my 37th birthday rearing it’s ugly head in a month, it’s only natural I get nostalgic and psychotic. Yes, they say “40 is the new 30,” but the last time I glanced in the mirror, I saw my own reflection and not that of Heidi Klum’s.

So last week, in a desperate attempt to stay forever 21, I took 3 pilates lessons, braved a Fly Wheel spin class (in which I’m quite certain I blacked out on at least one occasion), guzzled 5 JugoFresh pressed juices and dined at the freshly minted vegan cafe down the street TWICE, which gave me cramps followed by diarrhea, but I’ll take the runs any day because I lost a pound.

And lest not forget the deteriorating state of my lucidness. While slipping on my 4-year-old son’s jeans and realizing how fast he’s growing — like a damn Sea Monkey, I tell you! — I got all teary eyed and panicked to him, “Please, stop growing. Okay? OKAY? I can’t with you growing so fast! I JUST CAN’T!” He looked at me as though Lighting McQueen sprouted from my head. All confused. Poor fella.

Then there’s the grueling nighttime routine of Retin A, moisturizer, Latisse, creams, lotions, serums, serums and more serums (because Cindy Crawford says they’re the Fountain of Youth — Ponce de Leon was indisputably wrong on that score, too). During my evening Beauty Olympics,  I’ll obsessively whine to my husband, “Look at that lovely furrow between my brows! Well, lookie here, another cellulite dimple has kindly taken up residence on my left butt cheek. Did I mention I’m getting that weird crease above my knees like the ones TMZ always blasts Demi Moore about? Hooray!” In turn, he’ll blankly stare at the TV screen in utter defeat (the tall-tale sign of a man who’s just given up on you) and most likely think to himself, “Should I call her parents?”

Over in my closet, none of my Loubs fit because my bunions have grown to rival the size of Kim Kardashian’s engagement ring. Devastating, I tell you.

In other words, I’m going mental. Like, I’m out of my Lululemons.

Clearly, I’m having a Nora Ephron-esque I Feel Bad About My Neck moment which is completely normal for anyone with a pulse. I’m a woman with a gimlet eye for the future. And for those of you who are under age 30, I tell you — walk around naked whenever possible and bask in your gut-free glory.

Now excuse me as I’m off to wallow in self pity over a greasy cheeseburger, fries and custard at Shake Shack. Because that’s what women of a certain age are supposed to do.









  1. Beth
    January 29, 2014 / 9:47 am

    Oh my!!!!! You crack me up!

  2. January 29, 2014 / 10:01 am

    Girl, trust….you look fabulous!!!!

  3. January 29, 2014 / 12:22 pm

    Lady, you are so gorgeous! You have nothing to worry about. Yes, different “issues” come with time, but they are marks of beauty and wisdom. At least, that’s how I like to think of them!!

  4. January 29, 2014 / 12:59 pm

    Um, amazing post. You’re such a great writer. Your post is a blessing to so many people that feel the same. We’re going to work on those meltdowns next week! love you

  5. January 29, 2014 / 1:14 pm

    Awwww… You know you look fab no matter your age.



  6. Lauren Marie Pena
    January 29, 2014 / 1:29 pm

    You are an amazing writer. I’m 27 and freaking out over grays around my temples. What is happening to me? I sure hope all this yoga pays off haha!!! Skin is just a whole other thing. Though I love my facial yoga too!!!

  7. January 29, 2014 / 1:32 pm

    Oh Lord…woman, you are STUNNING and those legs of yours show absolutely NO sign of aging! Now go sip on your shake, listen to Jay-Z’s ’30-Something’ and dance like you’re auditioning for a spot at KOD!

  8. January 29, 2014 / 2:51 pm

    ahhh maria! this made me crack up! 37 is actually my favorite number – find solace in that (and that you’re stellar)? xoxo

  9. Mariella
    January 29, 2014 / 3:22 pm

    Find peace in knowing I turn 27 in a month and my denial is worse and that you totes are in better shape and have better brows. Again, you kill me 🙂

  10. Romi Alhalel
    January 29, 2014 / 6:54 pm

    Best post ever! You look amazing!

  11. Mayli
    January 29, 2014 / 8:05 pm

    Just wait a few more years Wordy Girl! You are the greatest!

  12. January 29, 2014 / 9:27 pm

    I have a surprise for you.

  13. January 30, 2014 / 7:16 am

    ummm I hope I’m half as FAB as you when I hit that age. HELLLOOO. Your body killer!

  14. February 1, 2014 / 9:55 am

    Maria dahling, you’re fabulous. End of story 🙂


  15. February 12, 2014 / 8:57 pm

    Brilliant! I sincerely just LOL!(as I can so very much relate on some points, almost as if you were in my head…Whatever was I complaining about in my 20’s??!)
    You my love, are amazingly funny! I just happened across your blog and am beyond thrilled, as I am smitten with your candid writing style and ability to connect with so many.. THANKYOU for sharing your gift.I loved it!Stay fabulous!

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