An Open Letter To Christian Louboutin

Christian Louboutin

{Christian Louboutin Pigalle Follies pumps in rose}

Christian Louboutin

{The maverick/masochist, Christian Louboutin, and moi}

Dear Mr. Louboutin,

Like a meth addict in the cough syrup aisle at the local CVS, I’m all over your designs.

But your affinity for comfort could use much schooling.

I’m quite certain I speak on the behalf of millions of red-bottom buffs when I utter this fact: Wearing your 4.5″ stilettos for mere nanoseconds is akin to consuming shards of glass. Guzzling Clorox bleach. The throes of child labor. Watching football. Denailing. Traffic. Breaking bones. Internet-free zones. Kneecapping. Listening to wailing babies. Chinese water torture. Passing kidney stones. Drowning. Abacination (a form of corporal punishment in which the victim is blinded by having a red-hot metal plate held before their eyes). Eating bland salads. 

In a nutshell: Sheer, unadulterated misery. You red-soled masochist, you.

With the aforementioned said, I haven’t procured a pair of your shoes for years until THIS. Comprised of the perfect shade of blush pink patent leather and replete with a pointy toe allowing just the right amount of toe cleavage (yes, that’s a thing), I just couldn’t say no. 

Yes, I caved. These car-to-door stilettos (Definition: A pair of shoes so painful one can only manage hobbling/shuffling from one’s mode of transportation to the front valet) have my name written all of them.

So thanks for bringing the beauty… and pain,

Maria

 

8 Comments

  1. March 15, 2015 / 7:30 pm

    Haha, this was just incredible.

    xo, Elizabeth

  2. March 16, 2015 / 12:20 pm

    This just made my Monday morning. I can always count on your funny posts for a good chuckle.

    xo

  3. March 16, 2015 / 1:09 pm

    if someone doesnt buy me these exact ones in leopard for my bday, i guess i will live, but i wont want to. i’ve been craving them for almost 8 months. however, i know wearing them will make me want to kill myself. #ohthejoysofbeingawoman

  4. March 16, 2015 / 10:18 pm

    Haha! I would’ve cave in too for this rose color 🙂

  5. March 17, 2015 / 5:28 am

    “Like a meth addict in the cough syrup aisle” – you kill me!

  6. Fotini
    March 17, 2015 / 3:04 pm

    u r hysterical.

  7. March 17, 2015 / 6:11 pm

    Well said! I couldn’t agree more.
    Xoxo

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