The Broken Foot Chronicles

{Mackage vest available here, Alexis tank, Express leggings available here, Chloé booties available here, Rebecca Minkoff bag available here, Lorraine Schwartz evil eye bracelet, Bauble Bar nameplate}

Have you ever taken a bad situation and managed to make it worst than ever fathomable? Well, this, my friends, is my forte (cue the Jaws soundtrack).

This series of unfortunate events all started with a blown-out flip-flip (as most psychological thrillers commence). You see, the strap on said flip-flop popped out of its respective hole and being the resourceful human I am, I used Gorilla Glue to fix the wound. While wearing rigged flip-flop, I tripped like an asshole and broke my foot. The break sounded something along the lines of, CRUNCH.

As if a broken foot (and the invariable death sentence to wear flats for the next four months) wasn’t enough crap to deal with, matters took a supplementary turn for the gnarly and I cheated on my hair colorist for a work gig. And we all know what happens when said crime is committed…my hair turned out Oompa-Loompa orange. Think little orphan Annie. So not a good look.

Gimp-y foot. Fire engine red hair. LIFE WAS OVER AS I KNEW IT.

And then some personal crap entered the churning clusterfuck, my blog got hacked, school was out for summer, my son forgot how to swim (HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?), my foot freaking HURTS, my husband is in beast mode at work, I’m overwhelmed with six-too-many assignments, I have to cancel a travel gig to Antigua (#FirstWorldProbs) — and I go ahead and DESECRATE MY HAIR à la Amanda Bynes. I need a martini now. Or six.

Obviously there’s a silver lining to all of this nonsense — I’m out of the fugly air cast, I can now rock bitchin’ booties and sandals, Amanda fixed my color (we went darker), Yiani is back in swim lessons, Kim Kardashian gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Linsday Lohan is in rehab, I grilled a siiiick bbq for Father’s Day, yadda, yadda, yadda. Life is clearly on the up-and-up, kids.

The point of this story? When life throws you lemons, never cheat on your hairdresser. Duh.