Consider thee warned: If you bravely choose to host a New Year’s Party at your home, you will spend the first day of the New Year cleaning the entire day on three hours of sleep. You will discover cigarette butts in your bathroom and gum enmeshed in your chichi von fancy rugs. It will look as if a confetti bomb imploded all over your home. These hard truths will be further magnified by your Patrón-induced hangover. But it’s so worth it and your family and friends will love you for it! Here’s my recipe to — drum roll, please — a totally bitchin’ New Years party.
Rule number #1: Don’t chintz on the food and alcohol. I would never invite you to a party and serve you frozen crap bought from Costco. It’s just not in my genetic make up. And shame on you if it’s in yours. That’s criminal. Food is a really important component at any fete. My people at Junior’s Catering cooked up some coconut shrimp, tostones with pulled pork, chorizo, battered manchego bites, black angus sliders, peppadews stuffed with goat cheese, chicken skewers and mini cheesecakes. As for liquor, well, here’s a reason to actually go nuts at Costco — buy copious amounts of whiskey, vodka, rum and tequila if you want your guests to get all cray cray. I mean, this is the general intention behind throwing a bash, right? Exacto.
Rule #2: Hire a DJ or make a sick iPod mix. Aside from food and beverages, music comes next in my book. I hired DJ Mandy and gave him a list of oldies and newbies to play. I made sure guests heard throwback tracks by Tom Petty, Fleetwood Mac, Lionel Richie, Michael Jackson, Madonna, The Police and Bob Marley mixed in with Top 40 hits. If you want your guests to shake a tail feather and drop it like it’s hot, booty music (think “Diamond Girl”) and profanity-laced songs by Two Live Crew are obligatory. 
Rule #3: Pick a theme. Create some snazzy centerpieces and spruce up the joint, will ya? Keep it on the cheap and ask your friends in the event planning biz for freebies like I did. Or hit up Big Lots. I went for a “Winter Wonderland” look and these pretty metallic trees adorned each table’s center and were peppered throughout the grounds. Light candles and tiki torches for as far as the eye can see — their glow is magical and let’s face it, everyone, even your Creepy Uncle Stewie, looks damn sexy by soft candlelight.
Rule #4: Invite a motley crew. Every party needs its nuts. Call up your Crazy Aunt Sue. Invite the hot guy that all the girls consider delectable eye candy. Buzz over the girl who has nudist tendencies when fueled with one-too-many Jäger shots. These zany folk are the catalyst to F-U-N. And really awesome pictures. And next-day gossip fodder.
Rule #5: And this one is the hardest: Don’t stress, stay present, drink (far too much), teach your kiddo how to Dougie (pictured above) and make out (yes….kiss. With tongue. I don’t care if it’s a stranger). Don’t sweat tomorrow’s epic mess because chewing gum can be removed with ice and ciggy butts can get trashed. Just like your New Year’s party dress.
